Stop Saying YES When You Want to Say NO

Mariana 0:00   

Hello, my friends and welcome, welcome, welcome to your Mindfully Recharged Podcast with your host Mariana Thomas. In today's episode, I am going to talk to you about how to stop saying “yes” when you want to say “no”. Yes, this episode was created because I have encountered a lot of people the last couple of weeks, who are struggling with saying “no”. So, I created this episode even though I put it in a newsletter, I can't remember when. But I wanted to record this for you. So, you can listen to it again, and again, and again. So, with that, let's go to it. See you there. 

Intro Speaker 0:59    

Welcome to Mindfully Recharged with Mariana Thomas. In this podcast, Mariana brings you mindful conversations and people that will develop and recharge you from the inside-out so that you can increase productivity in your personal and professional life. This is Mindfully Recharged.  

Mariana 1:20   

Welcome back, everyone. I'm excited about this episode. I actually wrote a newsletter about this, but I wanted to record it because I want people to remember this to be able to listen to this over and over again. And today's episode is about how to stop saying “yes” when you want to say “no”. That's it. And why did I wanted to record this? Because I used to be a sucker for saying “yes” to everything. And sometimes I even found myself thinking, “Oh, no, no, no, no, no, that's not what I want to say.” And then I blurt out, a “yes”. Or a “maybe”. Why is it so difficult to say “no”? When it's just a word. I know, it's just a word. After being trapped for some time by my excessive urge to be agreeable, that got me thinking “Really?” I was like, I have to ask myself why it was so important for me to please everyone to the point that I will feel resentful and stressed because of it. Then I realized I was afraid of saying “no”, because one of my biggest concern was rejection. I was afraid that every time I did this, I will disappoint someone, make them angry, hurt their feelings, or appear unkind or rude. I’m sure you have been there my friends. This is the reason why I wanted to record this. Because I know that many of you are having an issue with saying “no”. And you'd rather say “yes” even if it makes you uncomfortable. So, whether they say what they think of me out loud or not, they don’t matter to me. It was the thought that they will look down on me. And so I realized exactly why I found it so difficult to say “no”. I realized this is not just a challenge that I face, but one that many people, (yes, I'm talking to you) go through every day. It is a heavy burden to carry because with the urge to say “yes”, also comes a lot of self-confidence and self-value.  

 
5:02 

If you are like me - you are having trouble saying “no”, like I used to be in the past, this is going to help you, my friends. The first thing is: Saying “no” doesn’t mean you're a bad person. You are not a bad person for saying “no”. Saying “no” doesn't mean that you are a rude person, or selfish or unkind or anything that you may be thinking about. These are all unhelpful beliefs that make it hard to say “no”. We get this in our minds and our heads - that we are unkind because we get to say “no” to something. So, learning where this belief has come from is a great way to learn to let go of them.  

6:15 

Did you ever wonder why it was so easy to say “no” when you were a little kid, and why it has become so difficult now? What happened? That’s the question that I asked myself sometimes: What happened? When did we become so afraid to say “no”? Here's what I discovered. As children, we learned that saying was not polite or inappropriate. If you're saying “no” to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your grandparents, and so on, you will most certainly be considered as rude and you will have probably been told off for it. So, they probably did not like that, right? So, saying “no” was off-limits. And “yes”, was the polite way, and the likeable way. You know, people will like you if you say “yes”. Now that we are the adult, we are more mature and really making our own choices as well as knowing the difference between wrong and right. Therefore, “not” should be an off-limits word. Because now we know right and wrong, but rather something that we decide on ourselves based on our own discretion. But sadly, we hold on to our childhood beliefs and we continuing to associate “no”, with being unlikeable, with being unkind, with being selfish. We worry that if we say “no”, we will feel humiliated or guilty of something, or rejected. That is number one.  

8:50 

The second thing is knowing your value. The second step to learning to say “no” is realizing that you are valuable in choosing your own opinion about yourself over others. I have learned that if you live your life depending on others’ approval, then trust me on this, you will never feel free and truly be happy. I have been there my friends. If you depend on other people's approval, what you're basically saying is “their opinion of me is more important than my opinion about myself”. How sad is that? If your opinion on yourself is actually quite low., remember that, your problems do not define you. If your opinion of yourself is actually quite low, remember that your problems do not define you. It is okay to make mistakes, because no one is perfect. And everybody does things that they regret, or not. This is what makes us humans. What makes a person great is not their looks or achievement, but their willingness to love others, and to be humble and grow as a person. You are unique, you are valuable, and important. No one else in this world can offer what you can. Because there's only one of you. There is only one of me. So, with that, here are some helpful tips, my friends. So, we can say “no”, I had to learn this so hardly. I was one of those that will prefer to say “yes” to everything and overwhelm myself with stuff and at the end, burn myself down to the ground. That is not healthy. That is not putting yourself first.  

11:36 

So here are some helpful tips for saying “no”. The first one is to be direct, say “no”. Be direct. Say “I can’t. I don't want to.” I don't like to say “I don't want to”. I usually say “I can’t. I can’t right now”, “Oh, no, that's not possible for me right now”. The second one is, don't apologize. You don't have to give reasons for saying “no”. Third, don't lie. Lying will most likely lead to guilt. That's why when you say “no” it’s because “no” means that you are putting yourself first because you have to go and do something else that is going to move you forward with your life or with somebody else's life that you are adding value to at that moment. Okay, so remember, this is why you are trying to avoid feeling this guilt. So don't lie. Number four, remember that it's better to say “no” now, than been resentful later. And that happens a lot. Yes. When you meant to say “no”. And then you're going to be resentful towards that person or towards a situation. That's not a good feeling. Number five, be polite. For example. “Thank you for asking. I can’t at the moment.” How easy it is that and how polite? Anyone would understand that you just can't. You just can't at this moment. Number six, practice saying “no”. Imagine yourself or you are with a friend and just practice on the mirror. Look at yourself think there's someone else that you're looking at and say “no”, just think about a situation and practice that. Tell yourself “No. Mariana. Thank you for asking. I can't do that right now”. What this is going to give you is the feeling, it's going to get you more comfortable. It's going to make you feel more comfortable with saying “no”. Number seven. Don't say I will think about it. Huh? How many times have you done this one? or “Let me get back to you. I would think about that”. If you don't want to do it, these will just prolong it. Do the hard thing of saying “no” and you're going to end up saying “yes”. So don't prolong it, just don't think about it. Just answer the question. Okay, this is going to get you even more stressed out. When you say you think about it,  you give yourself more time. Number eight. Remember that your self-worth does not depend on how much you do for other people. Ah, this one is a big one my friends, your self-worth doesn't depend on how much you do for other people. Yes, I wanted to say that twice, because I want you to remember that. Learning to say “no”, has been one of the best things I had done for myself, trust me. Not only has it challenged me to overcome my fears, you know, of being rejected or not being likeable. Right? It has helped me to feel in control. It has made me feel free and empowered. And when I say “no”, I'm saying “yes” to everything else that is coming my way and the things that I need to do at the moment. And I'm not telling you to say “no” to everything. I'm just saying that when you need to say “no”, please do so without guilt without feeling as stressed out, without feeling unkind or unworthy. It's okay to say “no” when is necessary. If you want the same feeling of freedom, then take control and challenge yourself to learn to say “no”. Okay, just challenge yourself. Remember that exercise, get yourself in the mirror and pretend that the person that you're looking at is a friend. So, practice as yourself, “Hey, would you do this for me?” Say “thank you for asking, but not right now. Not right now”. And you may do it later eventually. But at that moment, you may want to say “no”. Okay, so make sure you remember these steps. I hope this was helpful. I have come along a lot of people lately who are struggling with putting themselves first and thinking the saying “no” is unkind. But there are sometimes that we do need to say “no”. Okay, because when you do that, you're saying “yes” to you. And you're saying “yes” to the things that are important in your life. I hope that helps my friend. It was a pleasure to be here with you know, I'm singing and it’s beautiful outside today. So, with that, we are done by friends. Thank you for listening today. And I will see you in the next episode. Take care.  
 

Closing 18:54 

Thank you for listening, everyone. And don't forget to go to the show notes and click to download your free Mindful and Energetic Living Guide. Also, don't forget to share this podcast with your friends, families, and everyone up there. I want to get this out there to everyone. So, thank you for your support, and I'll see you next week.